Make them Hate you?

Swim up-stream.

Choosing not to emulate previous bosses can unlock your true leadership style

I thought it was an insightful question. Then came an answer I never expected: "It's simple, make them hate you." It was around half-past seven in the evening, and my global boss was sitting in my office. I'd only been in that office for less than a week. We were discussing, in his words, "the art of leadership and motivation." It was hard to believe that anything falling under that grand title could lead to the suggestion that I should become the focal point of my team's resentment.

To be fair, it was a well-intentioned and well-argued piece of advice. His favourite anecdote—one I'd hear more than once—was about his father being a lawyer; his point, "I know how to argue." The team I had the privilege of leading for the first time in my career was, to put it mildly, a little wayward. Collectively, they—around 30 people all told—had seen the rise and fall of thirteen other managers. I was essentially the last person standing who was willing to take on the challenge. One remark that still sticks with me came from a senior team member who told me, rather matter-of-factly, that there had been so many of "me" that I wouldn't even make it into the first edition of their "failed leaders calendar"—a tongue-in-cheek commemoration of the leadership turmoil they'd endured. I felt like I should be wearing a scarlet letter A on my polo shirt.

The conversation with my boss had reached this point because, in a moment of youthful vulnerability, I'd asked, "What can I do to make my shot at this different?" He was a leader from a different era, and the conviction with which he described his approach made it clear that this was a path he'd walked himself. It hadn't done him any harm—after all, he was a global Vice President at a firm with nearly £10bn in annual turnover. Yet, I didn't take his advice. In fact, I made it the foundation of everything I didn't want my team to feel. His approach became the polar opposite of what I wanted to achieve.

It's fascinating how we can shape positive outcomes from negative experiences. When I mentor new leaders, after a few weeks of building trust, I often ask them about a piece of advice they didn't follow. I encourage them to reflect on a boss—or perhaps a series of bosses—with traits they want to avoid emulating. Sometimes, knowing who you don't want to be is an excellent substitute for answering the more daunting question: "What kind of leader do you want to be?" Many emerging leaders simply don't know yet. But asking them to recall leadership behaviors they want to avoid usually opens up a wealth of insights.

It's natural for new leaders to seek guidance, and it's even more common for them to receive unsolicited advice from seasoned colleagues. Encouraging them to reflect on the advice they chose not to follow can be incredibly valuable. After all, sometimes the best advice is the kind you ignore. And sometimes, simply not being like that difficult boss is a great starting point for anyone stepping into a leadership role.